This is officially the 1st entry of my new series..."What the fuck? Why?" which can be condensed to "WTF? Why?" for those acronym loving users.

The name, I admit, is stolen from a former colleague in the madness of trying to understand why the world and it's inhabitants play completely stupid (this, giving the benefit of the doubt for a moment, meaning they aren't as dumb as they play it off). So, ode to Gayson Gore (fake names, of course), who will one day want some sort of compensation for the phrase "what the fuck? Why?" should this become some random hit amongst bloggers. At that point he will be just another entry to blog about, but in the meantime, I hope to rant and rave about other awfully truthful tidbits of my life.

I was inspired to write about these moments by my daily encounters with liscensed real estate agents and brokers and, while laughing over a few jokes, mentioned this to my oldest friend from school/future planned roommate in a soon-to-be-acquired house. Now she, and the current roommate (who is male) have become the prime topic of the night.

Let's call the female friend/future roommate Joy and he current best friend/roommate Ralph. Now Joy and Ralph have been romantically (if drunk and needy can count as romantic) linked in the past, but seem to have moved on from this since Ralph is pursuing multiple prospects and Joy is free spirited in all aspects of the word. I am onbviously going to be the strict/responsible one of the group in the soon-to0come venture of living together. This has always been my living style. I follow the rules and keep to myself when it comes to my housing environment so I can continue living in that 'home' with little to no hassle. This concept has settled well with Ralph, but I believe this is partially due to his lack of friends in this area. He and I have been, for the most part, great roommates. Joy has never lived with either of us, and tends to be too fun and fancy free when she 'blames it on the al-al-alcohol'. Yes, I just typed that. it's been a common phrase I've used with many acquintances and friends as of late.

Joy can easily talk Ralph into participating in situations that are clearly against rules, regulations, and overall peace of the living environment. Once I step in to 'babysit', they blame the other as to not deal with my disappointment and reprimands. How does this situation apply to the 'what the fuck? Why?' concept, you ask? Let me further explain...

We are all close in the same age (me being younger than one and slightly older than other), 

***Ahhh I never finished this. To end that madness, I made a wise decision and kept the easy roommate while telling the future roommate (and longtime friend) that the situation would just not work out. So the animosity has ended and all is back to mellow yellow with the friends. On another hand, my life is chaos everywhere else (because my head is insane).

I might just try to post about my current life soon, jussssst maybe.

 

And I seem to have made enough small changes in alot of areas to satisfy my constant urge to change, to better myself, to find perfection. Granted, I still work a job I am overly qualified for while dealing with cliques that show little to no professionalism, but it's all a means to an end and I have recently found a way to manipulate the situation to work in my favor. Oh how awesome it can be to make friends with the people you need to just to make 8 hours a day be far more advantageous to my life. Perfecto!

I still drink too much, yet suprisingly am not craving it as much as I once did. It no longer is the most important part of my day. I've released the constant harassment of self enough to actually lose some weight instead of thinking I'm disgusting and have not lost nearly enough weight, thereby binging. Eating disorders don't have to make sense. They are a disease of mind and therefore control the way they feel necessary at the moment.

Friends have come and gone, but I better learn who works well in what areas of my life and who is going to be in for the long haul. This is a subject that has always plagued me and now I feel some real clarity on how to handle those closest to me, outside of my family.

There have been many grand events of the few months 2009 has already lost, however I don't wish to delve too depply on those items here. I made quite the reflective post yesterday on my Myspace blow. That is where I want people to see the outside of me and just a tinge of what is always on the inside of me. Here...I like to summarize and find myself obsessing over a particular topic on any random day.

Today...I just wanted to say hello and that I have no forgotten about me. I will return shortly with some random thoughts and run on madness. Until then...
 

Current Location: Home Sweet Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Personal 'Alive/Symbiosis' Playlist

And I'm still bored at work...just busier than ever. I'm not paid enough, I'm tired of being an assistant, and there is nothing more annoying than people who claim to know everything since they've been in the business so long, then screw everything up for me to fix later...pish posh. But really, in my head I've moved on from this. Onward and upward...when the time is right and the money is level.

I cut out quite a few poisons from my life again, moved to a new place for change, snapped when I just couldn't take the pressure that life has inflicted on my already mad little head, and am now sitting in my front room, blogging, drinking some Crystal V, being pissed at my roommate for breaking our bargain, and watching Generation Kill. Same as it ever was isn't it? New face, same situation.

Though I can't say I've been at a total loss. I seem to have more control of my direction, and what I allow to effect me. I can work and leave work at work, no stress after 6. I can come home and clean and partake in activities I never could because I was too drunk by 8. I can give or take attention, as I'm no longer concerned with finding the right one and living that fairytale lifestyle I know doesn't exist. I feel more capable alone and I'm not longing so much for things I know I can't change right now.

17 weeks ago I was searching like I've been for 17 years. Today...I'm breathing.
 

2 months ago I left a job that paid well but made me so upset that I became an alcoholic and gained 30-40 pounds. Up until about 5 months ago, I was busy there...so busy that the nightmare I lived in while at work was a blur to reflect on as soon as I stepped out of the office. Then it got slow so not only was I hating my environment, I was bored, and hated the work I was given to do. So...I finally quit.

Fast forward. I've been on the new job for 2 almost 2 months and have proceeded to be so effiecient that I am bored. I finished everything that needed attention before lunch. So what now? Busywork to fill up the rest of the day. Fill up boxes with old files to go to storage? Seriously? I wasn't even asked to do it, but I can't stand faking work for 3 hours. New place, familiar feel, SAME situation. Maybe I'm just bored being an assistant. 

I have too many things I could be doing, and too much potential to sit around here hoping our lovely clients, the banks, will accept offers so I have an onslaught of new escrows to cover. Honestly, handling the escrows is just busywork too. There isn't alot of brain power required. Of course, many an agent can't handle the workload and screw everything up. So I fix things and learn a new level of patience with each passing month. Hell, I'm not even craving a drink right now. However I'll probably buy some Merlot later on anyway. It's a new found love. 

On a random note, I'm glad I'm not in the bottomless hole I was in 2 months ago. Perhaps I have improved. Perhaps I'm just killing time.

Current Location: The Office - That's what she said..
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Morning After - Chester Bennington

 Another day, another crutch...better still-another year, another crutch.

How is it that I'm always the same? Years pass and I'm still in pain, still staring like a deer in headlights at what my life has become. Is it getting worse or is it actually better? Actually, I feel it's all the same pattern presented in different forms.

Alcohol has lost it's edge just like everything self destructive usually does. I still drink though. Almost every day. I'm on my last bottle and can't buy more until Friday, so it might be nice to have a bottleless week where I can have a straight head to get work done, studying out of the way, and working out at the gym a possibility rather than a thought.

I've always wanted to be better. Perhaps I should really believe I can be better this time around. Thoughts are things, right? Well my thinking is changing. Balancing the dark and the light is a chore unto itself, but it puts me in a more aware stage in which I can 'see' myself the way I want to be and become that being.

Here's to the night...and the night after...and so forth and so on...

Current Mood: contemplative

It's interesting to get to a point of pain that feels comfortable and refreshing. What specific tendencies am I indulging in this week? Let's review, shall we??

1. I've never been thin, but I can't accept the fact that I'm fat. I sometimes shock myself when I see my reflection. I find myself daydreaming about what my body and face will look like should I reach my goal weight. I try to add up the cost of the cosmetic procedures I'll need to get to rid myself of excess skin, raise my breasts, and laserly remove stretch marks.
2. I'm no longer happy chasing the dollar. I would immediately quit my job and find something not geared toward career at all had I not run up many credit cards and fallen behind in all payments over the last year. I now owe ALOT of money in which I can only hope to get taken care of within the next two years.
3. While I want to quit chasing money, I know money is power and I want that power. I'm a humanitarian and could use money and power to change so much for everyone else.  Which leads me to..
4. I need to change myself for the better before I can handle the power to help change everyone else for the better.
5. Sad rose for life because I'm already dead...I'm discontent with quite literally everything. The world is not enough for me.
6. I tell myself I need him to be in my life. Has he become my replacement crutch? I also worry he won't be quite as excited to have such an issue filled girl being his significant other. Then I ask why he still bothers, and already know the answer. Love is a funny, dangerous drug.

And now I'mm just too tired to write anymore.

Maybe I'll elaborate some more tomorrow...or maybe not.

Goodnight.

 

Current Mood: tired

All apologies to any potential readers for the last post. It was very 'myspace' and it was very drunk and 'woe is me'. I deleted it just so I didn't need to reflect on a poorly written post directed at poorly handled problems.

Moving on...

I feel my EDs creeping around me like some predator. I drink to escape, then eat to kill the cravings the drinking causes. I listen to my bulimic friend/roommate puke her tiny body up because she's 'fat'. I see that the love of my life is home in 12-14 weeks and I'm just a nice chunk like his sister. How pathetic eh??

So do I choose semi health or do I stick to drinking and starving?? Is it really a decision or a choice? No, I think it's more like a disease. I let it control because it is my crutch. So am I creating more crutches and excuses??

I seem to not need the vodka as much when he comes around to balanc eme out. He knows my madness, and he seems to be my cure. Why though?? Why is it that I've never been more alive, yet more leveled when his presence is wrapped around me?? It's a curious feeling, yet a scary affirmation that I am dependent afterall, and the poison I crave and need is not a drug, nor even a bottle...it is a man. Just a man...but still, a rock even in his broken state.

So how do I force myself to be the best for him?? Funny thing about all of this, I think my self destruction gives him a purpose...how twisted...but so goes every aspect of me.

Current Mood: relaxed

Yesterday was the image of workspace hell.

It was apparent that my boss was in a bad mood from the moment he walked in on Monday morning. Being wise enough to keep busy, I steered as clear of him as possible. This proved to be effective until the afternoon. 

Backstory - We just completed a transaction with a man who my boss would give referral money to for his clients. Both my boss and this man are Persian (yes, I'm working for an Iranian in the midst of the madness of war..amusing, no?) . This presents many problems in the sense that they are both full of self centered egotism, and they both breathe money. My boss decided he had been cheated on another deal with this man and is giving him only 17% of the commission rather than the arranged amount they used to agree on. 

From a legal perspective, this man will be lucky to get anything, as his name is not on any of the documents, and I made damn sure that we had everything signed by his clients correctly. So there is nothing I can do for him, yet he continues to harass me because he knows he can get through to me while my boss will no longer speak to him.

Being put in the middle is a) ridiculous as these are not my responsibilities as an assistant and b) aggrevating as I am being yelled at by this man on a daily basis while my boss is telling me to 'not talk to him'. What does one do? I referred him to the office manager on Monday when he asked where his check was as she has it and needs his SS# to send it out. My boss was unavailable to advise the situation, so I sent the problem to the manager to solve it.

This caused my genteel boss to gently reprimand my actions, as I 'shouldn't allow anyone to walk on me, and just needed to tell him no'. I realized there were other ways I could have handled the situation, but as someone who never deals with crooks (besides my boss), and gets fed up with harassment, I did the only thing I could think of at the moment by sending him elsewhere. I apologized and told him I would handle the situation better next time (which should be understandable as I'm a new player in this field of greedy monsters). All should have been left at that...

Wrong.

Yesterday morning began frantically, what with a big client scheduled to come in and my boss unloading many tasks on us immediately. No worries because this is the normal routine and we know how to handle it. I started working diligently on a task he needed completed right away. 10 minutes later, he was asking for the project. When I told him I was working on it and would get it to him as soon as I was finished, he took this as me 'being defensive due to yesterday's situation'.

When I gave him the complete task that was 'needed immediately!' he decided it wasn't as urgent as sitting me down to criticize me for half an hour. First "I needed to accept that I handled the situation incorrectly yesterday, learn from it, apologize, and move on" He spent quite a bit of time repeating the same concept in different verbage. That, of course, led to him telling me that he feels very uncomfortable around me due to the defensive attitude I have with him because of yesterday's events. I pointed out that I had apologized and wasn't even thinking of yesterday's situation. He was not interested in hearing anything I had to say, as I was 'just being defensive'. At this point, I'm sure I looked like I was about to cry. On the contrary, I was holding in all of the reasons why he makes me feel uncomfortable (including making me deal with shady clients who could sue me for anything, dealing with his constant mistrusting attitude, feeling overwhelmed and being pressured to complete tasks in an unreasonable amount of time, etc).

And now for the kicker! He then (finally!) looked at the project he needed done (immediately, remember?) and decided he still does not like my handwriting and that I need to write slower and more legible. He proceeded to tell me 'he doesn't have the ego everyone believes he has' and that my writing 'could get him in alot of trouble if someone were to read something incorrectly and hold him liable'. He also 'showed some samples of my handwriting to other people in the office, and they agree that it's not legible.

So after all is said and done, I'm allowed to go back to work, inwhich I handed the document recently in question to my coworker so she can update the information on her spreadsheet. I told her to let me know if she couldn't understand anything. What a shock it was to learn she had no trouble reading my handwriting. 

Conclusion - My egoless boss managed to make me feel worthless as an employee due to his personal problems. This brought to light that I continue to invest far too much of myself in work which leads to extreme self hatred and disappointment when someone who has ridiculous demands can ruin my week. 

Needless to say, I was looking forward to my usual drinking binges after work. I slept the evening and night away instead. Which led me to be angry at myself in the morning for completely wasting my night and not getting a damn thing done...yet again.

Time to breathe and evaluate what I really want in life and what negative factors are tolerable for what I do want to accomplish. 

Scared to move forward, scared to stagnate. 

I need a drink...

I was overwhelmed to create this journal and make a post on the happenings of the night, though they may be quite simple at best.

But first, let me start this post at the beginning of the journey. In a raving post on eating disorders on a 'support' board, I was told how well I write and I should pursue writing a blog just to expand my talents. Of course, this was not my only encouragement, as others have recruited me to write a graphic novel, a pilot, and a twisted cartoon of sorts..each venture I've considered and even put pen to paper ( or pencil to be precise ); b ut this is about me..my thoughts, my life, and how something seemingly dull and outdone is ever burning and passionate with just a spark in my mind's eye. With that said, I thank you all who have encouraged me to continue my works in the art of writing. 

Before I begin on tonight's 'rant' I need to point out that I started this journal listening to 'Wasteland' by 10 Years and now 'Through the Iris' by the same band is on. This is noteable because these songs have played a major role in connecting me to memories that should be left alone. I shall endulge on those in another post for those wishing to read about romance failed and true love tainted. I just felt it appropriate to give 'props' ( if you will ) to this band and these songs, for their lyrics are soul touching.

What I really wanted to relay in this post are my night's events, simple as they may seem. But now I must fix myself another drink. No wonder my writing gets pushed under the weight of life...far too many "need to's".

Ahhh...that's much better. You know, the real taste of orange juice is so shocking to me now that my weapon of choice is the delightful screwdrive ( o.j and vodka ). But no more of this madness! On to other silliness..

Tonight was dull, until I poured my first drink. I'm alone of course, and that somehow is bad compared to those I know who can be drunk before noon if an open bar happens to be in the vicinity (more than likely a wedding they happened to be at ). Obviously my drinking alone makes a few others feel like their personal alcoholism isn't nearly as bad as what mine is becoming. I'm glad I can be their crutch. Personally, I drink because I like the change. I like calming the madness that I always am. I like wanting to sleep yet wanting to stay wide awake. I like that my creativity presents itself more fully. But...all good things have consequence, so this is my last drink of the week. *sighs* If only poison were considered a miracle, then my vodka (Svedka to be more detailed) would be just as acceptable as all antidepressants.

What really got me going, though, was the fact that this blog was playing in my head as I played Home Run Derby on my Helio phone (but don't call it a phone! so says the company). I realized I win alot more win I'm playing while slightly buzzed-intoxicated. I also found it amusing that I was intoxicated while playing this game I have become addicted to. Considering there aren't a whole hell of alot of people on the Helio network that are playing Home Run Derby, I doubted that there were any players that were also riding a lovely buzz. These are the thoughts that cross my mind as I'm hitting those home runs and earning more points for better ranking and equipment.."I bet I'm the only one kicking ass while drinking". I almost feel like an evil genius. How sad. Lex Luthor wouldn't even piss on me to put out a fire.

The real shock of it all is how well I can react and focus on Home Run Derby while I'm drinking, and then later ( as in now ) write a blog on the subject. How is it that I am so near to crippled in thought during the course of a regular day that I cannot ( perhaps will not?? ) focus on the tasks and goals that I so long to strive for, but as soon as I feel that first rush of liquid through my veins I'm a master in all I do? This usually applies to everyone...the intoxication making everyone feel like a demi-god, but more likely than not, they are usually just making fools of themselves. I, on the other hand, feel like I am flourishing while drinking down FDA regulated poison. Once I'm sober, I tend to envy what came from me while I drank. 

I am a goddess to a man, a pulitzer prize winner, an image of perfection dying to be carved out, a winner of all games...but only when the vodka touches my lips. So do I let go of the poison and struggle for the dream...or do I give in to whims nd hope they turn into those dreams?? Poison or purity..what usually wins??

For now, I care not to ravish my poor mind for an answer ( because I know I'm too comppicated to come up with one ), so I'll just finish my last drink, listen to 10 Years, play a few rounds of Home Run Derby, and try to make it into the shower.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: tick tock of the clock